The Price of Change

Whether you want to change or not is a delicate question, and depending on the circumstances, and ultimately a decision that can be made, but one thing that has become clear to me over the years:

Change always comes with a price, and that price is an old part of you that you have to let go.

A dominant example, quitting bad habits and adopting new ones. When I quitted smoking cigarettes, I certainly had to let go of a big part of my personality and community. I had to adopt new habits. I had to learn to replace my desire for smoking with other ones. I mainly emphasized on sports (luckily runner's high is very real, and a very good sensation) and to some extent cooking and food. I learned to enjoy being healthy.

Looking back, if I had only quitted smoking, and had not changed any other parameter in life, it would have not been possible.

Another example, a breakup. In my experience, I won't ever be able to move on from someone if I expect/seek to repeat the same experiences, the same inner jokes, and the same dynamics, with someone else. It frightens me, but I know that every time I get intimate with someone, I am letting go of a former side of myself, and developing a new one (assuming a monogamous context).

Consequently, I don't believe in a permanent "love language". I think we have a baseline of preferences, which you can call a love language, but more importantly a "love dialect" that is unique to any partner we get initiate with throughout our lives.

And the (sad, but true) twist in all of the above is that, for some of us, possibly those with more of an anxious attachment style, myself included, it is increasingly difficult to let go of things that are dear to us. Acknowledging that I am changing is a double edge sword because as much as experiencing a new version of myself is exciting, letting go of that part of that older part is deeply frightening.